Kim's Christmas "Lists"

Wednesday, December 24, 2014
I know this is a Houston blog, and it's primarily a food blog, and sometimes I'll talk about my travels, but today I want to talk about Christmas!

I have some opinions.


The girl who put her Christmas tree up this year the Tuesday BEFORE Thanksgiving, who throws a log on the fire in 70-degree weather, who has a mini [talking] Rudolph figurine set, complete with $6.99 fiber-optic Christmas tree she bought at a Duane Reade in NYC 5 years ago perched on her desk by her computer at work? That girl has some opinions about Christmas. More specifically, Christmas movies and Christmas music. So here are my definitive completely biased opinions on the subject!

Top 10 Christmas Movies of All Time

1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Why yes I'm referring to the 1964 claymation classic of course! With a cast of characters that includes Hermey the elf (who wants to be a dentist, 'natch), Yukon Cornelius, and the frightening abominable snow monster of the north, I can't get enough of this movie.

2. Elf. Will Ferrell in a giant elf costume causing mayhem throughout New York City? It's my dream come true. 

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas. I cry every time. Ev.ery.time.

4. It's a Wonderful Life. See crying note above.

5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The 30 minute made-for-TV version from 1966. As far as I'm concerned no other version exists.

6. A Muppet Christmas Carol. Greatest line, as said by Gonzo: "And Tiny Tim, who did NOT die..."
7. The Holiday. When Kate Winslet tries to gas herself to death in her gorgeous English countryside home and then has a moment of clarity, opening her windows, slapping herself in the face, and saying "Low point!" in that adorable Kate Winslet-y way, I die every time.

8. White Christmas. Ugh, Bing Crosby, you slay me. 

9. Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas. And you thought you'd seen me cry during Charlie Brown and It's a Wonderful Life. HA.
10. Love Actually. While I wholeheartedly agree that this is actually a terrible movie, I cannot help but love it. (warning: link NSFW, albeit HILARIOUS.)

*Honorable Mention: Meet Me in St. Louis. No, it's not technically a Christmas movie, but it does feature the greatest Christmas song ever, as sung by one of the greatest female artists ever. But more on that in a minute.

Also, I'm not doing a "Top 10 Worst Christmas Movies of All Time" list because they're all good. Even the cheesy ABC Family/Lifetime/Hallmark Christmas movies with titles like Christmas Kiss, Moonlight & Mistletoe, and A Boyfriend for Christmas. Even those are WONDERFUL.

 Top 10 Christmas Songs of All Time

1. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, performed by Judy Garland in Meet Me in St. Louis (see above). This is Christmas in all it's perfect wonderment.

2. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, performed by Andy Williams. My sister Emily argues that this is #1. How can you not instantly smile when you hear those first few chords blast out triumphantly?

3. All I Want for Christmas is You, performed by Mariah Carey. I am still completely amazed that this song came out 20 years ago (excuse me while I go crawl into a whole and cry until 2015), and it's still such a beloved favorite across the board. Many other pop stars from the past twenty years (Britney, Kelly Clarkson, etc.) have attempted this, but none have had the staying power of Mariah.

4. Oh Come All Ye Faithful, performed by everyone in church. You know how during the chorus, everyone gradually gets louder on each "Oh Come Let us Adore Him" until they're basically screaming out the last one? I f'ing love that.

5. White Christmas, performed by Bing Crosby. See #8 above.

6. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch, performed by Thurl Ravenscroft. I mean, the man's name is freaking THURL RAVENSCROFT. And with a lyric like "Your soul is an appalling dump heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots!" how can it not be awesome?

7. This Christmas, peformed by Donny Hathaway. I realize this one is a bit obscure, but hear me out. Back in, I don't know, 1992? my dad impulse bought a CD titled A Jazzy Wonderland, featuring this song as the opening track (not sure who it was performed by-maybe Donny?). And it's magical. Do yourself a favor and put it on your Spotify IMMEDIATELY.

8. A Holly Jolly Christmas, performed by Burl Ives from the Rudolph movie. It's Holly! It's Jolly! I love it!

9. Christmas Time is Here from A Charlie Brown Christmas. Tears. TEARS.

10. The entire NSYNC Home for the Holidays album. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say probably more of you agree with me on this than you care to admit.
*Honorable Mentions: Go Tell it on the Mountain, performed by James Taylor, all of the Carpenter Christmas album, Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!, performed by Dean Martin, and Last Christmas by performed by the cast of Glee or Taylor Swift (feel free to punch me). And Carol of the Bells, performed by the Transiberian Orchestra, because if you synchronize your outdoor Christmas lights to this, I will be your guaranteed best friend for life.

Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

1. Santa Baby. Even Michael Buble couldn't save this one.

2. I'm Gettin' Nothin' for Christmas. I love children. I do NOT love this child.

3. My Birthday Falls on Christmas. I have a serious issue with whiny children singing about how terrible their lives are because of the lack of Christmas presents they're getting this year. Poor little Tommy, he won't be getting his XBox 480 this year, we all feel really sorry for you since you share your birthday with, oh I don't know, CHRIST, which should be an honor, but yes,we all feel very terrible for you. *Eye Twitch*

4. All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth. Well, at least this kid has more realistic expectations.

5. Suzy Snowflake. As a feminist, I can appreciate the attempt at a song which is the female counterpart to Frosty the Snowman. As a human with ears, I cannot appreciate how awful it is.

Top 4 Creepiest/Weirdest/Most Unsettling Christmas Songs of All Time

1. Baby It's Cold Outside. Let's break this down here.

The neighbors might think / Baby, it's bad out there
Say, WHAT'S IN THIS DRINK / No cabs to be had out there
 I wish I knew how / Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell / I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

Women of Houston and of planet earth: If you have even the slightest inkling that someone has slipped "something" into your drink, please stop reading this blog and IMMEDIATELY CALL 911. 

Also, can we please get another romantic duet to start resurrecting every year with new artists, (preferably sans roofie reference)? I actually don't hate this song, but I don't need to hear a new iteration of it every year by a different combination of artists such as Idina Menzel and Michael Buble, the cast of Glee, or Francis and Claire Underwood (okay but for real how awesome would that last one be??).

2. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. I get it. Har har, mom's actually kissing dad. But the kid doesn't know this! And is the kid bothered by this? No! In fact, what a laugh it is! Ha Ha! WHAT A LAUGH TO WALK IN ON YOUR MOM MAKING OUT WITH NOT YOUR DAD. I guess a distaste for infidelity was imbedded in me from an early age, because this song used to legitimately upset me.

3. Under My Tree, by NSYNC:

No one else but me and you
Nothing I would rather do
Then hold you all through the night
Under my tree
Bring along the mistletoe
Keep the music nice and low
I'll show you how good it could be.
I wish that Santa could be here to see
It's beautiful
Under my tree

As previously stated, I shamelessly love the entire album, including this bizarre song, but even I can acknowledge its creepiness. I wish that Santa (who, as we've covered is none other than your dad) could be here to see....

4. Santa Claus is Coming to Town:

You better watch out.
You better not pout.
You better not cry
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town

Do you picture being alone in a dark room with Steve Buschemi or Willem Defoe or Jack Nicholson a la The Shining when you hear those lyrics? Yeah, me too. But don't worry guys, it's okay, because he sees you when you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake! Hurrah!

And on that high note...

I wish you all a safe, happy, and warm holiday season, filled with hot chocolate, Charlie Brown, feminist snowflakes, and lots and lots of love!


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